Although It was a dark night, I tried to feel safe. The flicker of alarm, my left eye had been twitching since the last episode; the bruised face and panicked voice and how he had made me smile through my pain.
But his hand on my throat felt like a cold block of ice, at least I thought I felt safe, he was sleeping and nothing could go wrong! Besides I wasn’t doing anything wrong I was just breathing.
Noir clouds shadowed me like my demons dancing, but right now everything seemed okay. Sleep had abandoned me ever since. He wanted to feel the blood running underneath my skin, his hand could sense my flesh.
He loved his hand against my skin pronouncing an angel in the captivity of a demon.
I knew the fragrance of those fingers! the fumes of tobacco mixed with the rough skin.
Often his hands hurt me yet I felt they were mine, but today his hand was different and unusual.
Must be me!
Raking scared from a reverie I blinked my eyes again and again but the cold made me uneasy and dozing off became hard.
The last star was blinking its last breath into darkness just then I felt his hand begin warming.
Phew!
Finally it felt like home, warm after the cold meaty fingers on my bare skin. strangely but gradually his nails seeped to press against the wall of my throat. Obviously he doesn’t realise that this might claw in my flesh obstructing my breaths, and he loves me so much of course he wouldn’t hurt me!
I pulled my suspicions every time he would end up hurting me.
I mean to be fair it was always my fault… that he got angry.. i should have been careful in treating him.. my faults… maybe I triggered him…I think.
The deep slumber must have pushed his hand harder than usual.
He always loved to fondle with my skin
“Your skin is that of a baby; supple and pink” And he loved the strawberry pink and the white…
My throat… It is hurting! I wanted to say it! But I remained silent.
And… he is sleeping… He will sleep and soon the morning star will rise and everything will be okay.
Let’s tolerate till he wakes up!
He hated it when I forgot to tell him that he had accidentally hurt me, that’s what he would always say after he beat me up and took me to the hospital.
“You oughta tell me! I am sorry, how dare I hurt you love!… you know how much I love you!”
I better tell him.. but I?
Let him sleep and… try to slip away.
Pressure increased.
Afraid!
Nnnn.. No!
Should I tell him?
Don’t dare to moan! He could wake up!
The nail pierced my skin leaving a bluish purple cut exactly under the chin with a tiny drop trickling, making its way underneath the nail!
Should I tell him?
No. No! He might get angrier!
Stop it! I wanted to say, I must say, he loves me! and he’s sleeping!
Meanwhile; the darkness grew darker and did I hallucinate or are his eyes wide open? … the whites of his hazels looked whiter than snow and the dark circles complementing his eyes seemed darker than a decaying wound.
The hands decided to finish the job they were assigned. They were on fire, his scorching fingers burnt my skin. One thumbnail was twinned by the other and both began to read something on my neck like a blind man searching the holy grail; frantically, for a divine message!
Only this time the foreword seemed to have been that of the devil.
Choked; throat lumped, breathing heavily trying to get the last bits of air.
Not that I was going to complain!
I was trying to gasp for air.
The blood and heat on my neck aroused his power of destruction.
Not that I was complaining!
We had played this game many times but this time was different.
I tried to protest with my legs which had subconsciously begun fencing a frantic pattern trying to put up a fight! The fight was not with him. I loved him unconditionally but now the fight was to breathe and only to live to keep loving him.
but oh he wouldn’t ….hurt me! I’m sure of it!
My hands began to feel his arms to plead, putting together both my hands like a prayer embedded in fear… was i dreaming? Was I drowning?
This isn’t him! And this isn’t me, and this isn’t happening.
Nightmare!
Wake Up!
Amidst the chaos I scratched his scar from childhood. The struggle had gotten real and worse, his power doubled, I coughed and sputtered the saliva drooling out of my mouth. But didn’t he love me? I was getting worried like a boiling frog.
My eyes were forcing to shut down or were they actually popping out! my power gave up. I began to feel tired.
Momee Sleep… No, No, wake up!!
He didn’t love me I guess!
Pain increased with this realisation of betrayal and finally with all my might I jumped up with a push stronger than I believed I could but all in vain he was out of my control. Darkness enveloped us like fog and slowly I gave up.
He didn’t love me after all.
I tried to hold his hands but all went in vain. He was out of my reach. I was begging for life, for unknown forgiveness, I was tossing in the air due to his power. I felt I was pushing through a narrow opening to be born again!
The struggle eventually came to a halt!
He stopped
Thank God!!
See….Maybe he loved me!
Oh!! His fit was over. I touched my bleeding neck trying to withhold blood. He couldn’t see blood.
I will be fine!
Like every time.
I had gotten used to walking on eggshells.
Had I?
The pain is just too much this time but don’t worry it’ll go away, I will hide it don’t worry! I am good at hiding my thoughts
Listen!
I forced a smile.
I know you! Maybe you were upset about something and I know it’s not your fault. I kept talking not knowing why he had been angry this time.
But, I love you!
My lips forced a little too hard to smile.
Did he see it?
‘I would love you no matter what I promise!’ Who I was trying to reassure, I wasn’t sure.
He held his head in his hands, tears in his big intelligence ridden eyes, the ones I fell in love with.
Oh my God! It’s okay! Now I feel guilty.
‘Look I’m fine.’ I tried to ease the situation.
He was In a frenzy!
He wiped his face for the stains of sweat, tears realising what he had done and the saliva that had dribbled it’s way out of his mouth when he was trying to strangle the nerve on my throat.
But of course he had loved me.
He picked up his phone.
No no… No need! Look! I am fine! look! I pushed harder.
He picked up his Phone and frantically called his best friend.
The other side presumably gave confused greetings, waking up in the middle of the night
Is everything okay
‘No! I am not okay!’
He replied to the call.
“She!.. it was her … as always… useless, you know how she is… she was sleeping and she knew … I wasn’t okay with the way she slept… So she was sleeping and it made me angry?
But I was asleep, I thought.
I am fine Jaffar! It was her…she was breathing … too loud… i got hurt and tried sleeping… and I had told her… so many times … so many times, not to breathe so loudly. So…so Whatever happened isn’t my fault!
What do I do with her now ?
She has no right.. How dare she!!
Now look she lays there… playing dead.
Playing dead?
No but I am here.
Looking back at the bed in horror, my body was there strangled like white satin sheet with the kiss of a red rose on the side of my bottom lip and a blue bruised medallion of love upon my neck with a pool of blood on the floor.
I was playing dead!
